Sunday, March 30, 2014

LIVE WITH FIRE

As I draw closer and closer to my departure, I can't help but feel uneasy and anxious at the leap I am taking and the unknown territory I am voluntarily venturing into. However, it forces me to take a good hard look at what led to the conviction for me to take this upon myself in the first place.

***

As much as I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life pottering about in a cubicle in front of a screen surrounded by four walls, I also am a person who takes it upon herself to complete the task at hand and do it DAMN WELL, because it is beyond unthinkable for my nature to turn in shoddy half-assed work (even for something I'm not particularly interested in). This actually played out an interesting sequence of catch-22 events. 

Incidents that float to the surface of my memory :
____________________________________________________________________________________________

The company network was down and I was upset. A colleague in admin (who doesn't require going online to get their stuff done) came casually coasting by and breezily asked me why I was looking glum. In my distress, I took their laissez faire for a sincere inquiry and ranted to them

" Do you know what this means? I could be updating the accounts in our database, reading the business and economic news,  doing market research, replying emails to clients, etc etc... " 

I paused as I realized that they didn't really care about what I was saying, and to be honest, I didn't really care about what I was saying either.

Giving me an indifferent nod, they fake-sympathetically patted me on the back and told me to take it easy then continued on their way to the pantry to get their 3rd cup of cloyingly sweet coffee before ambling back to their desk and resuming their 300th round of Candy Crush.

***

Or when we were having another glitch with the system and I was stressing about a conference I had put together, tearing hairs from frustration.

" How am I going to liase with them smoothly? The hotel, the guests, our partners, all the people at stake that are involved. Oh, and how in the world will the kitchen ever know whether to serve canapes or tartlets for morning tea? "

Canapes or tartlets. I mean, we all know I like to eat but.. Really Cheryl, really???  



*** 

Or when we were dully tabulating our overtime and I got excited that I had way more than the average for that particular month. For a fleeting moment, I actually gloated at the surplus hours I'd spent in the office, gleefully anticipating the extra digits that would be appearing on my paycheck. Then the realization hit home and I recoiled in shock as I asked myself 

" What is happening to me? Who on earth is this person? "


Since when did it ever become acceptable to sell myself out for money? Since when did the possession of cold hard cash ever become more desirable than the possession of my own person?

How utterly miserable. Desolately despicable. Pathetic beyond belief. Oh, I look back and shudder with complete loathing and contempt for the desperate downward slope on which I was descending.
_________________________________________________________________________

Which so strongly reminds me of the reason I'd rather break out of this stupid cushy deluded bubble and do this than to stay stuck with the the same cookie cutter routine day in and day out, soullessly going through the motions with deliberate methodical coldness removed of any genuine human feelings.

To discover my raw desires and overwhelming passion and great excitement, to reclaim that living breathing hotblooded human being whose soul burns aflame with an intense fire and courage pulsing through her veins.

My life is meant for a much higher calling, a greater purpose beyond this.




                        


No comments:

Post a Comment