Sunday, January 20, 2013

RUBBISH

someone left recently. okay, so this person and i, we weren't close in THAT way or anything. i mean, we were all friends. all of us hung out together in a group. we considered him as part of the group. but it's not him leaving that irks me, it's that he just went and disappeared like that and never said a word. i do think he could have let us know. that he could have let ME know, since i'm one of the persons whom he talked to more among us. 

another person let me down today. i shall not go into details. i don't want to think about it.

it's not like they are doing it on purpose, i know. people are flawed. heck, I'M flawed. so much more. i'd say that i'm the most flawed, difficult, shallow, insincere, feckless person i know. what am i doing feeling disappointed, when i've hurt others way more? i should know. they likely didn't want things to be this way either, or they never thought that it would actually matter to me. they didn't know. it isn't their fault.

of course it is, they had a choice. they could have chosen me.

but they're only human! there's only so much they can do. they can't be everywhere, do everything. they appreciate you too, but they still have their own lives, priorities, families, activities.

so?

will you just stop being so selfish and thinking about yourself and keep dwelling on how YOU'RE the worse off? you could, you know. stop feeling like the victim and just forget it. they're not aware of it, they didn't mean to make you feel this way. they're still your friends. they care about you and want to be there for you. it's just this one time. i'm sure they feel bad about it too and will want to make it up to you. 

mmph. YOU'RE the one who should stop. stop making excuses for people. stop thinking people are really that sincere and concerned. if they wanted to be there for you, they would. get this straight. people are weak. people are a liability. people are unreliable, undependable. people are disposable. they're just there for a carefree, reckless, jolly good time. any more than that, who cares?

it always happens so innocently, doesn't it. random hellos turn into actual conversations which lead to glimpses into their lives, learning more about them. you start spending time together. lunches. funny online chats which have you in stitches. laughing. hanging out. you start caring about them. you never asked if they cared about you too, you just assumed it was so. after all, you guys were friends. after all, weren't you going through all the routine stuff that friends do? funny, but 'friends' don't just leave, or stand you up, or forget about you.

stop getting attached to people. because people leave. everyone. whether by choice or by circumstance. EVERY. ONE. LEAVES.

you can't count on anyone. stop being so foolish and caring about others. stop thinking that they will be there for you. stop being so gullible, naive, pathetic and weak. stop giving yourself to others. that just makes you vulnerable. stop thinking that they'll match you part by part and give of themselves as well. they won't.

haven't you seen and experienced that sufficiently? haven't YOU been 'disposed' of enough times to know? it's not a bad thing per se, it just is. that's just how people are. 

hoping only leads to disappointment. next time, don't even hope. when someone promises you something, or tells you that this is going to happen, or they're going to be there, you can look enthusiastically pleasant and go along with it, but don't count on it. don't be hopeful and look forward to it. because chances are, they won't be in your life after a while and it won't happen in the end.

don't waste your time thinking negative thoughts about people when they probably aren't even thinking about you at all. life goes on. this is all the time you have on earth, and are you going to spend it smoldering inside just because you've been disappointed by someone (or many of them?)

don't keep mulling and being depressed over it. this is just how things are! you should know. it's okay. accept it. smile and laugh and lift your chin a little higher. go out and taste the unknown, surround yourself with other positive things and be happy. make the most out of what little time you have here.

anyway, who are you to say anything? you're the same too, just like everyone else. it takes one to know one, you know. you've let people down too, you've hurt others, you've been untrustworthy and unreliable and failed others as well. we're all in the same boat together. isn't that so morbidly ironic? haha!





things change. friends leave. nevertheless, this i know :

"The Lord your God goes with you ; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deu 31 : 6


p.s. isn't this post so dark, twisted, and melancholic? just another one of my many thoughts that swirl together in my mind's depths.

p.p.s. fyi, the depths of my mind are not always as gloomy and despondent. there are happy things there too. like bunnies. and rainbows. and clouds made of puffs of cotton candy.

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