Wednesday, March 21, 2012

PAPER IS PATIENT

here is a bunny with a pancake on its head in an attempt to lighten things up before the gloom of this post ensues.

 

***

writing has always been greatly therapeutic to me ; my castle of solace in times of distress, and this time is no exception.

sigh.

i wrote out a long LONG post on what happened today. however it turned out way too personal, too inappropriate to share and i ended up deleting whole chunks of text except for the sparse lines below. foggiest description ever, because consequences would be disastrous if i disclosed specific details.

***

today, i cried. and for more than a few hours at that. the only reason i got my act together for a while was the presence of others. so yeah, i had to put some 'fake up' on - a pleasant expression, a smile, throw in a couple jokes and laughs, some light cheery conversation.

if only they could have seen, the tumultuous grief that was gnawing at my soul, how unhappy i was. all i wanted was to get away, curl up into a ball, and bawl my eyes out with my head between my knees. my emotions were as fragile as eggshells, stretched so thin that it would have taken only the teeniest nudge to push me over.

i thought i would get away with my act, and i nearly did too! it was almost time to leave, when a slight change of plans happened. and that was it - i snapped and all of a sudden found my cheeks stained with tears. drat, i thought that i had more control over my composure than that. while all the kindness shown to me was greatly humbling, how embarrassing it was to be fussed over, with everyone giving me reassuring looks and comforting pats on the back.

but i learnt my lesson. no.1, to never take words as they are. talk is cheap, where are your actions? from you, and you? and no. 2 (which is partly in reference to number one), never to trust anyone so easily again. it is sheer folly to depend on others in important matters, or to count on them to follow up on promises they have made. 

how foolish i have been!

and the greatest jest of all in this whole ludicrous pantomime is none other but myself. i was such a fool, the biggest mistake of all. i got myself into this situation, and while they certainly did nothing to help, no one pushed me into this. i should have been better prepared, i should have seen this coming and taken it on myself to shoulder the burden, i should not have hoped for chances or been so easily convinced.

it was a harsh lesson, but one well learnt, that i will not forget easily.

***

paper is patient, know what else is even more so?
my running shoes.

it is time to run.

 






No comments:

Post a Comment