Monday, January 24, 2011

DEEP THOUGHTS GIRL, DEEP INDEED.

just finished a whole heap of college related stuff, and now am free to escape. at least, for the time being.


so, i'd just finished college today and i was walking to the bus stop, not exactly ecstatic with the fact that i had to catch a bus during the peak hour when people are crammed so tight into buses everybody's breathing down everybody's neck. but as i walked out of my college, i almost walked straight into a familiar someone, an old friend.

"HIII!" i exclaimed, excited to be seeing him again after so long. how you've beens, what you've been up tos exchanged, he then offered me a ride home. overjoyed that i wouldnt have to get into a bus bursting at the seams with people, i gladly excepted and hopped into his car.

on the drive home we chatted, about things and stuff, filling each other in on the gaps of the past couple of years. then out of the blue he asked me this question. "you and him, what went wrong? i thought that you guys made a great couple."

i told him, very VERY briefly what happened. not that i was in any way wanting to hold back things from him, but just because i didnt feel like opening up old, unpleasant memories again. but as i talked about it, i realized, maybe too late now, how much i had let a silly high school relationship affect me and get to me, when any sensible person would have known that high school relationships dont usually hold much anyway and moved on.

seriously, i cringe when i look back on the way i reacted, how i had let it impact me, so much, in such a terrible way. how could i? how could i have become such a bitter, angry, depressed, person, and let all that negativity tear down that perception of life that i once had? i had been such a happy go lucky, cheerful, spirited girl, with a ready smile, and wings on my feet that gave me a little extra flutter when i walked. a girl who was as idealistic and optimistic as they come, but let all that excitement and enthusiasm crumble away into cold nothingness the minute something knocked me off my feet. 

i could've sprung back onto my feet the moment that happed, i couldve been strong and stubborn and fought it, but instead i let it drag me down into a vicious spiral of darkness and hurt.

dredging up past thoughts now, i hate the person i had let myself become because of one small silly little mishap that id had with the world. one small curveball that life threw me, and i caved. i really hate myself for it, as it was my fault and no one else's for becoming that way. i hate the very person i had let myself become back then, years ago. yes, things that were harsh, but i, ME, i'm the one who could have made the decision to be strong, to fight it and say no, this is not who i am, and who i will never let myself become.

but i guess i was weak. i let that anger, bitterness, and jealousy manipulate me into this twisted, sick person who took pleasure in pain. i let it sap away so much of me, my time, my emotions, my energy, my happiness. i guess that it even ate away at my friendships, ripping away huge chunks. but seriously, i dont blame anyone for leaving, nobody likes being around someone who's constantly depressed and bitching about life anyway.

im ashamed of it, yes. but that doesnt mean that im still that horrible pessimistic person today. where is she anyway? 
*looks around* 
nope, she doesnt exist anymore i guess. :) instead, this huge (literally as well as metaphorically haha), happy, feisty person who sees the world through a sweet pink sugar frosted window, who is raring to get up and go, to take on the world and have the time of her life doing it, has risen up and suffocated that small, gloomy, malicious person.

it was a good lesson from a bitter experience, and id be able to handle a similar situation well, if it were to ever come my way again, touch wood. i guess that in a way, im glad that it happened when it happened, as it made me a whole lot more mature a whole lot faster in that sense and im now smarter about things like that.

.
i grew, up and out of it. it was gradual, and involved many nights of crying myself to sleep, whining over the phone like an emotional sadcase to anyone who'd listen, and thinking all kinds of crazy illogical thoughts, but i've left all that behind and emerged a better, stronger person, and for that im glad.

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